Trials and tribulations as we traverse the globe
London to Sydney Overland 2010 by truck and boat for 7 months.
This is a rather long, 7 months, trip that we took travelling from London to Sydney in 2010.
For ease of reference I shall insert each day as a separate post.
This may take a while.
Here goes!
East ham Bull, Dancing Richard, John – one half of the ‘ odd couple’ Boats and sheep.
Well this has been great fun, and we have met and emailed lots of nice interesting people along the way.Including emails from the portable toilet man from Sheffield.
Attached are the photos from the first and last day.
This is now the end, and I would just like to thank the Duchess for putting up with all my childish behaviour, drunken behaviour, moody behaviour, bad dress sense, bad toilet humour, and general South London yobbyness.
I would do the trip again, and thought the company that took us, and dropped us off in Sydney, UKtoOZ were great overall.
I shall revert to my normal email address of saucepan123@gmail.com if anybody wants to contact me.
Good bye it was great fun.
Dick, (Oh and Sue)
XX
Wednesday 6th July to Wednesday 13th July
One yellow cab, one grumpy driver and $9 later we arrive at the Queen Mary 2 for our 5pm departure. Check-in is remarkably quick and before we know it we are being stared at by the staff as we board. Most ‘clients’ are dressed for the holiday of a lifetime in their new dresses and formal suits. Us, well we look like a sack of sh@@. Well I do, the Duchess has at least made a bit of an attempt to look nice. Living out of one rucksack with 2 shirts each and sharing my underpants, well you can imagine what we look like. I did not have the pink shorts on though, well not the short ones.
We have our ‘state room’ as they like to call it, on the 11th floor (deck). Complete with our own balcony and sun chairs. There being 12 decks of berths this gives us a great view of New York. We have Sky News for the first time in 11 months. I see it has not got any better. Also BBC News, and the weather girl Louise Lear, so I am very happy. Aside from that is Cunard TV. Enough said about that.
There are about 4 restaurants to choose from. Self service to silver service. All free, apart from the alcohol. That is not too bad, everything is in US Dollars. A pint of beer is $5. (£3). The catch being that everything has a 15% ‘gratuity charge’ on top. You are given a ID card on board which works your door, and acts as a credit card. No money exchanges hands. The food is on ‘tap’ 24 hours a day, ranging from salad to steaks. I get into the habit of having a curry every evening around 1AM on my way home.
Dinner is a formal affair, where the portions are very small but very very nice. Nouveau cuisine. To be fair there is so much food elsewhere, it would be wasted. Again it gives people the opportunity to talk posh, comment on the marvellous bouquet a wine has, and compliment the ladies on their dress of the evening. Except on our table! We have a table of 6. There are only 4 of us, the other seats being spare ones. We are lucky enough to have an Indian couple (Curry not red!) from Kansas City, USA, who are non drinking, non English speaking, and non interesting. They do speak English, sort of, but I can’t understand a word. The man wags his head like a Churchill noddy dog when he talks and this is off putting.The cruise is not full, and there are lots of tables where there are 2s and 4s on large tables.
Within minutes of boarding I manage to somehow crack the camera against a wall and bend the retractable lens. Camera number 5 of the trip is then purchased on board.
A lot of people on the boat are ‘normal’ but there are few different people. Attached is a photo of 2 men I call the doughnut men. Each day they wear a different set of clothes, but are identical. They have strange hats, one day they were wearing silver spoons where Victorians had pocket watches, and rainbow coloured socks. They are American. It seems they live in New York and their occupation is that of ‘street statue’. Not sure where they got the money for this trip from.
On the second night there is a private Commodores’ (They don’t have a captain on this boat. Far too posh) cocktail party. We are invited. Oh, along with around 2,510 other people. We manage to find what we think is the party, and the Commodore. It turns out he was not the Commodore, it was not the party, and we paid for our own drinks.
There are a few people on here, living the dream. As we leave NY harbour and sail past the Statue of Liberty there are people buying glasses of Champagne at $20 a glass. They then get the hump because it comes out of a small individual size screw top bottle. Meanwhile, there is a ‘private deck’ for the super snobs who look at us as though we are some sort of freak show. I decide from this point that at the first sign of a snob I shall speak in ‘Del Boy’ Souff London mode. This works particularly well in the Commodore bar which is a form of stuffy Gentlemen’s club from Victorian days. You are not allowed to bring a lady in unless she is the age of your daughter, or Thai. There is the Churchill smoking room set to one side for cigar smoking. You must speak frightfully posh, and network with other business people. I wanted to practise my ‘talking burps’ in here but was told off by the Duchess.
During the 7 day crossing the clocks go forward 5 times by an hour a time to deal with the change of time zone from New York to London. Thereby arriving with no ‘jet lag.’
During the trip you are ‘invited’ to see the UK Immigration lady that travels on the boat, nice job. On our slot the queue is so long we are told to come back another day, and queue again. I go to the pursers office and explain, nicely, poshly, that I did not spend a bucket load of money on this trip to be made to queue and then be told that as they want to open the restaurant where HMI are seated that they will close early. It is not my fault there is only 1 HMI girl there. It is not my fault that they sat her in the restaurant. Would they like to send the HMI representative to my state room where I would love to see her? There is then lots of grovelling, bowing, bottom licking, etc from them, and we are allowed to resume queuing. Whilst in the queue there are lots of other people getting the similar hump to me, but being British accept the situation and come back another time.
There is a spa, several swimming pools, theatres, gym, around a total of 904 bars, a nightclub, and even a cinema showing 3D films. There are different events each day in different areas. One day there is table napkin folding, another time there are old people that sit around a piano and sing.
I weighed myself on day one and weigh 88.1 Kilos (Whatever that is). Not sure if that makes me a fat boy or not. The Love Dome refuses to go down. The gym instructor told me I am ideal weight, if I am 8ft 6 inches tall! I spend 30 minutes each day in the gym, not exercising but walking around eating free food.
There are lots of old people in their ‘raspberry’ chairs crashing into things. On the 12 deck there is a kennel for the ultra posh people that wish to bring Fido over the Atlantic.
In one bar there is a jazz group who are very good. In fact all the acts are very good. One night they have members of RADA reading poetry over the Jazz music. I am dragged along by her for a culture fix. It was actually very good. I went over afterwards to the RADA people(Well the girl with long dark hair, and even longer legs, I ignored the Harry Potter look alike) to say how great I thought it was. She appeared shocked, but relieved, when I told her I thought it was going to be a ‘load of old crap’ but was actually very good. She told me that it was nice to actually speak to a normal person on board, not the pretentious clientele. I think she fancied me. She is only human.
Talking of romance the Duchess and I have been keeping out eye on a budding romance. There is a chap sits up the bar. He is always immaculately suited, big gold watch, blonde, floppy hair, and drinks only ‘shorts.’ One night he offered up his bar stool to the Duchess, and spoke ‘terribly posh’. Well he has started to talk to a very nice looking lady who appears to be here with her mother. Night one, they sit at the bar, but she goes home on her own. Night two, he is touching her stool (Dirty fellow!) she still leaves on her own. Night three they leave together. Being the old incurable romantic that I am, I ask the Duchess where they can go for some ‘ooh la la’ as both appear to have boarded with other people. I reckon he took her ‘up the Launderette’ (There being an unlocked one on each deck). The next night, and subsequent nights, he was alone at the bar. To be fair he is a little fat dwarf when he stands up. A bit like Elton John.
Being a ‘traditional’ boat every afternoon is ‘Afternoon tea’ in the Ballroom. A very posh affair where there is a tea dance, sandwiches with no crusts, and scones with jam and cream.
Most bars close at 12.30AM however there is the discotheque where I can dance like an elderly man at a wedding.
Today I use a different running machine, which appears to be the only one in MPH not KPH. I did not notice this. I plug in my Ipod, adjust my head band, start drinking water, press the start button, and promptly fall off as the speed was twice what I thought it would be. Very embarrassing.
The last couple of nights it seems the fat dwarf has stopped seeing his lady friend and sits up the bar, alone, all night. The lady friend he took up the launderette appears to have a liking of RADA, or at least one of the actors. However on the last night the fat dwarf comes into the bar with an elderly lady, who has had one too many face lifts, and skinny hands with fingers like tentacles. She is clearly worth a few dollars. Within seconds he is touching her arm, her, with her spindly fingers is wrapping them around his legs, she is saying in a cackerley American voice ‘young man, you are so lovely.’ It is horrible, even I would not talk to something like that. Within minutes they disappear from the bar, hand in hand, yuk. The thought ‘any port in a storm’ comes to mind, well we are on a ferry. Later we find them cuddling, yuk, in one of the quiet seated areas. Just hope he didn’t ‘take her up the launderette’ if she sat on the spin dryer her wig would fall off. The added problem is that the seats they are sitting in having a ‘fumble’ with her vein infested tentacle skinny hands are the seats we have to sit in the following morning to await disembarkation. It anything happens there we shall have to watch we don’t sit there as I know the mess a snail makes!
The last morning we have travelled 3,122 Nautical miles. I now weigh 91Kgs. The love dome is at critical level and in danger of exploding. I have taken lots of photos of where dolphins were a few seconds earlier.
We are greeted as we get off by both daughters at the quayside to take us back to reality.
Sunday 3rd July
Having left a foggy Vegas we land after a 5 hour flight in New York, New York. I must admit I love it here, from the 24Hr scream of sirens, to the chilli dogs on the street. Great fun. However, and there is always a however, The Duchess is a bit fed up with the place. So we are here for 3 nights until boarding the QM2. First difficulty is the brand new suitcase my little Soph lent me when she came out to Vegas containing my dinner suit and the royal dresses etc, does turn up on the carousel but lacking any handles, and limited wheels. Even the flight label, that long sticky thing, has come off. The wheels are broken and the case hops more than rolls along. Arrive at the Milford Plaza (That was a laugh watching the cabbie trying to get Soph’s case out with no handles) where we have stayed in the past and only have to refuse 2 rooms before getting one any larger than a shoe box. This has a stunning view as you can see from the photos. Sue has this habit of standing the other end of the lobby whilst I point my finger and go into ‘Suff Londan mode’ until I get a decent room. Not sure why I ever stay there, but this is New York where rooms are expensive and small. Food, beer, then bed.
Monday 4th July
It is not our intention to do any sightseeing as we need to shop for stuff for the ferry. Living on 2 pairs of pants for 10 months we need a few supplies that we have not bought in Vegas. Also the boarding directions for the QM2 are a bit lacking so we get the map out to find the terminal. I have given up trying to eat healthily here and revert to McDonalds for breakfast. No wonder they are all fat out here, the cheese burger meal comes with 2 cheese burgers whether you want 2 or not. First stop is Tiffanys jewellers which is closed as today is Independence day and we shall celebrate it in an Irish bar with Nellie, Mark and Debbie. Long term USA friends. ( I suggest to Sue that I could stand on a table in the Irish bar and ask the Yanks and Paddies for our land back. ) Lots of beer and junk food later we go off to watch the fireworks display over the Hudson River. Spectacular. Mark and Debbie shoot off home as they live a distance away, and Nellie and us go to another Irish bar for more beer.
Tuesday 5th July
I have found out a great way to inflict pain. After brushing your teeth, gargle with Listerine mouthwash then rinse out with WARM water. It really hurts, worse than either, drinking coffee after a vindaloo or putting your tongue across a 9 volt battery. First stop today is Tiffanys jewellers, 5th Ave, where the Duchess is served by her usual assistant. Today apparently we want a leg bracelet. “Sorry Madam, we do not sell them (Bit Naff?), why not get an arm bracelet made to measure?” So there we have it. She gets measured and 2 hours later we return for that and Tiffany Sunglasses. How much!!! Well it is good for the air miles loyalty points. Out tonight with Dave for Mexican food and more beer. Can’t have too much tonight as up early for the ferry, sorry QM2.
Wednesday 6th July
Big day. We join the QM2 for our last trip of the holiday and would have completely circumnavigated the globe. Quick breakfast in McDonalds where there is free Wi-Fi. I see they are promoting the McGospel Fest. That should be worth missing. Also I have bought a bottle of ‘Iceland Spring water.’ Whilst bored I read the label which clearly thinks the Americans have not travelled and are a bit thick.It states ‘Imported from Iceland, a remote island near the Arctic Circle.’ Bless. There is great article in the New York post which I have attached. Let’s just say The Duchess agrees I have a very very short index finger!! Everything we took on this trip is starting to break, from glasses to holes in trousers. We need to get home to earn some money and sort ourselves out. Oh dear, I never got to either Jeremy’s ale house, where they sell 1 ltr paper cups of beer from their micro breweries, or eat a chilli dog off of a stall. I shall have to come back within 6 months. We catch a Yellow cab to the QM2 for boarding. I will cover the QM2 later.
Monday 20th June
Today is both a sad and happy day. Sad that Mel and Chris are flying back home via Paris, and their flight has been delayed for 2 hours. Happy for us as we are off to the biggest adult playground in the world, Las Vegas, or ‘Lost wages’ as Graham, B52, referred to it. Also we get to the airport and our flight has also been put back 2 hours but Air Alaska has booked us on an earlier flight. Quick goodbye and we are off. 2 Hours later we get off the plane in 110F of heat. It is like being hit over the head with a saucepan whilst walking face on into a warm hair drier. There are even gaming machines in the domestic arrivals hall.
We are being posh and staying in the Trump International with a great view from our 42nd floor SUITE, yes SUITE, with kitchen, which we have booked as an extravagance. The receptionist did ask if there was a misprint in the booking as we are staying for 13 nights. Most people, including us, only stay for 3 nights. We point out that we need to be in New York for 6th July to take the Queen Mary 2 home, and Vegas is better that New York for an extended period.
First stop is the supermarket about a 10 minute and $20 cab ride away. We return and park our cab at the front of the hotel lobby in the exclusive drive-in reserved for guests, who are mainly Arab princes and high flying CEOs. The doorman fully dressed in the livery of Trump International catches his breath to see ‘Del Boy’ and his Doris opening the boot of the cab and produce 5 grocery boxes with tins of beans, loaves of bread, and fresh fruit within. I produce a crisp $5 note and he places the boxes on his luggage cart for delivery to the room. There are various noses being lifted as they look at the low class visitors walk through the lobby.
Tuesday 21st June
Well this is a nice place. We have 2 sinks in the bathroom, and a TV in the bathroom mirror. This is posh! Today we need to arrange a limousine for my youngest daughter when she arrives with the boyfriend on Wednesday. She is also bringing over our posh clothes for the QM2. Then off to the pool, in my pink trunks, looking great. I want to try to get rid of the love dome which only took 2 weeks to come up. The evening is spent in various casinos. The trick here, having been before, is not to buy alcohol, but to await the cocktail waitress who provides it for free with a $1 tip. Saving about $10 a round. Also she does not walk around the 1cent machines, so much to the disgust of the Duchess I make her sit at the ‘high rolling’ machines pretending to play until we get a drink then return to the 1 cent machines. Tight! Me! Later we go for a traditional pint of beer in the Queen Vic pub at the back of the Riviera Casino.
Wednesday 22nd June
Big day today, my little Sophie and her Sam arrive on the Virgin flight. She has flown ‘business class’ so if she is anything like her father she will be in no state to walk, talk, or operate in anyway. I have arranged a stretch Hummer for collection. We get picked up at our hotel and go to the airport. I should have asked the driver if he knew where he was going. He had already told me that he had never left the US. We arrive at the Domestic arrivals. I tell him this is wrong, it is international. Poor bloke had never been to international arrivals, indeed did not even know where it was. Great! I then have to direct him. We were ok though as they had not come through yet. We meet up and take them to Encore hotel. This place is nice (Not as nice as ours!). More casinos and Queen Vic.
Thursday 23rd June to Sunday 3rd July.
Really from today until we leave on 3rd July most days are the same. Pool, casino, bed. Oh a visit to the Queen Vic is required most nights. The Duchess is getting fed up going there. My flip flops melted when I laid them on the paving at the side of the pool, such is the heat. One day was the driest ever, 1% humidity, whatever that means, but the weather girl with the big boobs was getting excited. One day it hit 111F which is warm. Even the Duchess was moaning about the heat so it must have been warm. One day we had a sand storm, and half a day there was a bit of a cloud nearby. The USA Vice president, Jo thingy (Biden?), came to town, and the place went into lock down. All helicopter flights were grounded and the TV news told us that it cost $150,000 in lost revenue. Bit over the top. We leave on a foggy, cloudy, Sunday morning to fly to New York for a 3 night stay before boarding the QM2 home. Looking at the weather for Vegas whilst in New York they suffered floods on the day we left. There is only very expensive internet on the ferry so the NY/QM2 bit will be posted when we get to Southampton.
Sunday 19th June
Big breakfast in Greek Restaurant where yet again we are asked if we are Australian. Chris had Garlic Hummous for breakfast and stunk the rest of the day. Up the Seattle tower. Great fun as Mel is scared of heights and was not impressed when we got into the lift that goes up the outside of the building. Went to the original ‘Starbucks’ coffee shop, well walked past it. Could not find Doctor Frasier Crane from the TV. Later we watch a Christian TV channel in the apartment with lots of preaching. I notice that earlier the other 3 never watch TV. However following some rich food yesterday I go to the toilet to do some Sudoku. Bit noisy and they turn the TV on. I finally bought some new underpants today, not as a result of earlier though. I have circumnavigated the globe with 3 pairs up to now but she has told me I need some for the QM2. Bit of food at a Vietnam restaurant, back to Cancer central for a few glasses of expensive wine (Them not me), and final packing prior to flying to Manchester and Las Vegas Monday.
Saturday 18th June
What horrible weather. It is pouring with rain and is foggy. Breakfast for the Duchess are Oysters which apparently were very rich in taste. They took around 20 minutes to work their way through causing a delay in setting off. “One shalt never eat oysters again for breakfast.” I am sure the toilet will be glad to know that. We decide not to see the sandcastle contest, and girl power drive the final journey to Seattle airport to drop off the hire car. The girls have relieved Chris of the GPS. Problem is the Duchess has the GPS and now it is the blind leading the blind. The Duchess nearly wipes us up on the freeway, great. Our accommodation for the next 2 days is an apartment. It seems the ill people taking treatment over a period of time at the local hospital stay at these places. Bit worrying sleeping in a bed where cancer patients receiving radiation have slept. There is a definite glow here, well at least we didn’t need to turn the light on at night! Tonight we meet up with the Vietnam pilot we met in Rarotonga. Graham and Patsy are great fun, and lots of food and posh cocktails got consumed. You may notice that the quality of the photos are better here. They belong to Chris. I must get a better camera. However the Duchess is getting photogenic and wants to take a photography course when we get back to the UK. Who knows, if her photos are that good I may appear in the ‘Readers wives’ section. Best get the belly down.
Friday 17th June
Today is one of those sunny days we have read about, and packed clothing accordingly. A bit windy though. Wearing my new ‘Abercombie and Fitch’ pink trousers I walk over to the ‘corner shop’ to get a coffee. The poor elderly, church going, god fearing, pensioner, that runs the place was not prepared for me walking in with my button flies undone and the front of my pants hanging out. Nor was I to be fair. Whoops. Also once you realise then there is the difficulty as these are new trousers and the buttons and corresponding holes are still stiff. Later off to the beach for a look around. Cannon Beach is well known in the USA for their annual sandcastle tournament, which is on tomorrow. There was a family practicing on the beach. Later we stop off at one of those ‘nobby’ coffee shops on the way back. As usual I asked the lady if the coffee would make me any better looking. As usual she appeared to not have a clue what I was speaking about. Having drunk it outside I go back in and she calls me over and tells me that indeed my good looks are even better. Just wish one of the others had been there. Lunchtime we drive to a seaside town named ‘Seaside.’ This place appears to have been nice 20 odd years ago, now a bit like Blackpool. We trek up another hill later between Seaside and Cannon Beach. Evening is spent back at Cannon Beach in a fish restaurant, which again has it’s own micro brewery. Back to the room to drink some of the $48 wine. I did have a taste but could not see what all the fuss was about. Still no bears, but my love dome is getting bigger by the minute. I fear it may explode whilst I am asleep. Oh and she is snoring even louder than usual. Good night.
Thursday 16th June
Today we have sunshine, and a Royal driver. We are in wine country and heading to Cannon Beach, around 70 miles away. It is decided that we may go wine tasting. That will be nice, so as I do not ‘taste’ I take over the driving from the Duchess at the first winery. The first winery also has a Christmas decoration shop, selling all sorts of stuff including a Christmas snake! Very tacky, I am just the man to be there then. Now they start wine tasting. I am now able to hear all the rubbish that drunken people talk about as we travel from winery to winery sampling various brews. Winery 1, “Wine, one sip of this will bathe the drooping spirits in delight beyond the bliss of dreams. Be wise and taste” $28 bottle of wine (I have contributed $7 which I shall not taste as I have my £3 bottle). Winery 2 “Secondary malolactic fermentation converts the tarter malic acid and produces lactic acid: caramel, banana, dairy, not sweet, but a cloying appearance of sweetness.” What?? $32 bottle of refreshing bubbly stuff (My contribution $8). Winery 3 “ A Passito wine, an Italian wine made from semi-dried grapes with an effervescence texture.” Give me strength. Well at least they did not but anything there! Winery 4 “A herbaceous or grassy wine has the flavour and aroma of herbs” A Dessert wine $24 (Me $6, and they don’t even eat dessert!). Finally, winery number 5 where the three amigos excelled themselves with a $48 bottle of red wine. (Oh that only cost me $12, bargain.) Apparently of an astringent delicate flavour with a grainy but noble vanilla/redberry back drop whilst of under ripe characters. It is now 4PM, we have 30 miles to go, and the three of them are asleep in the Jeep, snoring . Still no bears. Mel thought she saw a bear but judging by the state she was in she could have seen the second coming and the rest of us would have missed it. To Cannon Beach which resembles the place the old biddy in ‘Murder she wrote’ lives in. Very nice, and apparently gets busy at weekends. We check in (The smaller room as always) and after carrying lots of bottles of expensive wine into the rooms we go on the hunt for food. Yes the drunks have got the ‘munchies’ so off we go. The saving grace being yet another micro brewery. The beer is very strong out here, around 6.5ABV being the average, compared to 4 in the UK. There are 4 olde blokes sitting in the corner who get their double bass, ukulele, guitar and not sure what instrument and start singing. It was good but the drunks now full of cheese burgers in batter, decide to go home for extra snoring. Good night. Oh my love dome is still getting bigger.
Wednesday 15th June
We have rain today. First thing off for a massive breakfast, before walking into town.
I went into ‘Abercombie and Fitch’ and bought another pair of pink shorts. People are now wondering about my liking of pink! Apparently there is a vacuum machine museum here and a 24 Hour Elvis church. I shall try to miss them. Lunchtime was a real novelty. We did not eat! Better than that, the Duchess and I did not drink alcohol whilst in the micro brewery!!
The fat Northerners did. This is the start of the dome going down!! Back to hotel for a sleep, then we (They) start on the expensive wine they (We) bought in Eureka. I stick to normal red wine at £3 a bottle with no ‘flinty floral legs’ or other such pretentious rubbish.
Tonight a posh dinner in the Double Tree Hotel (It is a Hilton Hotel you know!) followed by strong cocktails and large bottles of Micro Brewery beer. Walk back to hotel and have a few beers in some ‘Goth/Grunge’ type bar. This gave Chris the chance to put heavy metal rubbish music on the juke box and relive his university days. All we were missing was the ‘dettol’ in the lager. Sue and I had a good sleep in our bigger room. Mel and Chris had to use the ear plugs again when Mary-Lou next door started shouting ‘Yes, yes, yes, you’re the king. You’re the king’ to her man whilst entertaining!!